Believe What They Tell You
Just another outerspace blogger

Sep
28

My name is Zergyte Z and I am an Alien. I’m 18 earth years old and during the past 18 years of my life I never once thought I would say those words. To be perfectly honest, it feels great. I feel like I could be Captain Kirk making contact with a distant planet, although I honestly hope to God I don’t end up a fat old man at a law firm suffering from ‘mad cow’ disease.

Here I am going on about how I feel, when I haven’t even told you where I’m from. And I’d love to tell you about my world (I use the word ‘world’ here and not planet simply because my world doesn’t consist of just one single planet) but, I think I should tell you about your planet first.

Your planet, ‘Earth’ or Project E1 as we call it, started off as a bunch of atoms in a lab on a planet called Ikon which is where my species came to life. You see a few million earth years ago our scientists discovered that they had the technology to create a solar system. What was more surprising was that it would cost only slightly more than a 35 light year trip into space. In Earth terms, that is about as much as you would pay to get from Dubai to Uganda – by no means a small fortune. So of course our more generous philanthropists decided to donate the money to create a replica of the Sun-Ikon solar system that would serve as a constant reminder of where we came from. Dr. Xigor (our Robin Williams) had the bright idea of sending in a few unicellular organisms, the same kind that were present at the start of life on planet Ikon – but genetically modified for faster evolution – and turned Project E1 into an ever evolving natural history museum.

I imagine it must be pretty unsettling to realize that your planet and solar system are nothing more than the direct outcome of a large and highly underfunded science project. Take a moment and let this sink in… you are a science project.

As a planet, Earth is very similar to Ikon. In fact it’s exactly the same except for the volcanoes. You see we don’t have volcanoes on Ikon and the only reason you do on earth is because during the creation of earth (what you rather humorously refer to as the “Big Bang”) our scientists sort of well… ran out of money. And time, as you know, is money (actually time is imaginary but, we’ll have that conversation in another century or so when your scientists have figured that out for themselves) so, they had to rush the construction of the crust and in the end leave it somewhat half-baked.

Earth is similar to Ikon not just in terms of its structure or position in the solar system, but also in terms of the way life has evolved on the planet. I am of the species called Oscilites and genetically we are very similar to homo-sapiens (I’d send you a hologram to show you what your great great great grandkids would probably look like, but I’d get into big trouble back home). Human evolution and development have in fact been very much along the same lines as that of the oscilites, except in the last few millennia where human development has been sort of… let’s say aided by illegal visits to your planet by pirates and scavengers from my world. Humans, as you can imagine, are great for testing of new products for oscilites. Of course our governments have banned all such activities and heavy fines and prison sentences await anyone found abducting or conducting experiments on humans. But then again just like on your planet, poachers and pirates have found ways to get around without being caught. Bet you feel those annoying animal rights activists are onto something now eh?

But all these visits by Oscilites did unintentionally push you humans forward a few thousand years. The inadvertent leaving behind of sophisticated technology and of course the interaction of moronic Oscilites with primitive humans  posing as gods coming down to your planet on horseless chariots of fire led to an exponential advancement of human technology. You really think Otis and Spielberg got their ideas without any outside help?

I think that’s enough new information about earth for now. I’ll tell you about my world in the next post. Till then keep evolving and eat your vegetables, global warming and your current technology means you’ll probably miss them in a few years (believe me… I know).

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